is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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