i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
