You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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