as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
