i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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