Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
