May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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