After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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