i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
