so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
