I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
