I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
