omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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