Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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