someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
