Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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