i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
