your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
