I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
