You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
