he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
