My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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