god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
