i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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