I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just gift wrapped bread.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize