mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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