I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
i out mim tonsoeep
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