How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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