We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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