Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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