can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I intend to get homeless drunk
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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