A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
