I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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