just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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