Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
