the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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