She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
