you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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