You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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