Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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