I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
