she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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