i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
