Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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