I just pynch a tree in the face
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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