I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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