I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
