no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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