I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize