sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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