I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
