I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
