You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
