As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
