Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
