his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize