i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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