I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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