Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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